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Ariel
@Prolotario1
The Political Showdown For The Ages: Donald Trump vs Joe Biden
Who will win out?
Round 1: The Entrance
• Biden shuffles in, narrowly avoiding a nap on the podium.
•Trump storms in, hair defying gravity and physics.
Round 2: Opening Statements
• Biden forgets his prepared speech, starts telling stories about Corn Pop.
•Trump ignores the topic, boasts about crowd sizes at rallies that haven’t happened.
Round 3: Foreign Policy
• Biden accidentally declares war on Canada.
• Trump suggests building a wall around the entire country, making Stormy Daniels pay for it.
Round 4: Economy
• Biden proposes a stimulus package of for crack addicts who was sold baking soda from Hunter Biden.
• Trump claims he invented money, promises to make the dollar “huge” again only if it’s backed by gold ofcourse and that big beautiful hair of his.
Round 5: Healthcare
Biden offers free band-aids for everyone who habitually falls off their bike from looking at women with busty fun bags.
• Trump suggests hydroxychloroquine as a cure for everything, including hair plugs that have the same material as fiber wires.
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Final Round: Closing Arguments
• Biden falls asleep mid-sentence, still somehow makes more sense than before.
• Trump declares victory, despite the debate not being over as he wants to announce his VP pick that could be the deciding factor.
Post-Debate:
Both candidates claim overwhelming victory, while fact-checkers spontaneously combust from overwork. The nation collectively sighs and reaches for the remote, only to find it’s been replaced by a “Make America Remote Again” novelty item.
CNN declares the real winner to be the potted plant in the background, which remained stoic and presidential throughout. Fox News insists Trump won by a landslide of “bigly proportions,” while MSNBC reports Biden achieved transcendental enlightenment mid-debate.
X crashes as millions attempt to post the same facepalm emoji simultaneously. Facebook’s algorithm gives up and starts suggesting users join “Meteor 2024” groups.
Late-night hosts enter a state of comedy nirvana, while political satirists file for unemployment, unable to compete with reality.
The Onion publishes its first-ever non-satirical headline: “Nation Wonders If It’s Too Late To Be Adopted By Canada.”
Meanwhile, a group of kindergartners start a petition to run the country instead, promising nap time for all and a foreign policy based on sharing and using your inside voice.
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As the dust settles, both candidates agree on one thing. Michael Flynn will never be president.
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