Reader Post | By GK
Kalmes Conspiracy 10 asks many questions about 911. Some, very sarcastic, some wanting real answers. When is it too soon to make fun of such an absurd event? Is 20 years enough time to wait?
The new video is pretty warped. But hey, so is asking us to believe goatherders stole 4 jumbo jets and hit 75% of their targets.
These sarcastic articles found their way from my head to the internet around 2002 and 2003.
Did I wait long enough?
CAVE MEN WITH TRAVEL
VISAS DECLARE WAR ON USA
Cave dwelling men from a humid rocky country declared war on America and pledged to blow up Condoleeza Rice. Which made them hungry for Condoleeza Rice a spicy Mediterranean dish prepared with chicken hearts and accented with curry, paprika, and baked on a rock in plain scorching daylight. After dinner they got on an airplane where they were welcomed into America, issued an alias, gun, box cutter and a map of well insured buildings. The immigration office and INS put their hands over their eyes and counted to ten yelling for them to, “GO!” The cave dwelling men enrolled in flight school but told the flight school instructor they were only interested in serving coffee, tea, and nuts. Florida and Texas who figure prominently in all insane things issued a statement on Brown skin people. “Brown skin people must declare their intentions before taking a step in any direction. DNA samples will be appreciated and help with yard work.”
The Cave Dwelling men were last seen on public access on a show called 12 steps for terrorists…Step one admit you have a bomb. The cave dwelling men declared on the seldom watched channel that they would be blowing up something big, big, big…But were waiting for the CIA to tell them what, when and where. They also stated that an undisclosed harem of virgins would be waiting in a Swiss bank account after they blew up Condoleeza Rice. Which made them hungry for Condoleeza Rice again and “bomb something angry” that Dominoes didn’t have Condoleeza rice as a topping.
TERROR UP 73%
Washington DC (Diet Cola)
In a poll taken of scared shitless citizens in August by the whiteshirt poll group the question was asked, “How terrified are you?”
Respondents overwhelmingly said they were, “Very scared.”
A follow up question was asked, “What are you most afraid of?”
To which 73% of Americans cited, “Terror.” This sweeping majority of Americans are scared of terror.
When asked what form that terror takes in their minds they cited,
“Brown skin people yelping high pitched screams while strapping bombs to their pizza men and their parmesan cheese being tainted with anthrax.”
When asked if they felt this fear was irrational 71% said, “Sorry what was the question again, I was watching a minor celebrity eat a bug on minor celebrities poop their pants for love.”
The Whiteshirt poll group could not be reached for comment.
SMIRK FREEZES ON RUMSFELD
Iraq- In a visit to Iraq, Donald Rumsfeld just wanted to get in and out. Hoping not to have to see certain people such as the Armed Forces. Unfortunately Dan Rather saw him hiding behind a camel and roped him into an interview. Dan Rather was more nervous then he had ever been since this was the first time he would be asking one of the world’s most powerful men a tough question. Dan urinated himself before the interview and hoped the desert air would dry him quickly. Rumsfeld who kept glancing around and looking for exits pretended to be comfortable when on the inside he was thinking, “Finger in Dan’s eye- penetrate brain- blame it on involuntary reflex stemming from spicy food.”
They exchanged pleasantries and it was a race after that to see who looked more uncomfortable, Rumsfeld who knew a question was coming or Dan who had one eye out for a red laser on his forehead. Dan apologized like a blushing little girl, “I’m sorry I didn’t write the question, I’m just a messenger, I’m an old senile man like you…close to my retirement on Orgy Island but all my friends will say I’m a pussy if I don’t…so here goes…Can we get you some ice cold lemonade before I ask it?” About then Rumsfeld’s smirk had frozen on his face. The question came, “Some people…Not me mind you…I just work here…Think there was a rush to war and you are largely responsible…I didn’t write the question it was in the newspaper.”
Rumsfeld who was having trouble drawing air through his gritted teeth tried to give the camera the “I’m cool…Here we go again…answering dumb un-American questions look — while simultaneously giving Dan the …You’re a dead man look…”
“You ought to know by now newspapers are packed full of un-American lies except when we tell them what to write or their children will be murdered…” Rumsfeld said like an old western sidekick, still unable to move his trademark smirk from his face. “And on the contrary Iraq is paradise now…Tulips are being planted…This is practically Holland.”
“Oh good…Just had to ask. Thanks, can we call you a Humvee?” Dan offered, glad that it was all over.
The still frozen smirked Rumsfeld said no like Lionel Barrymoore and Dan felt an icy chill. Mr. Rumsfeld slipped out of the country to go back to his diabolical planning in Washington as Dan arranged to stay in Iraq a while longer where it would be safer.
OPERATION “LET’S MAKE THEM EVEN MADDER” LAUNCHES TODAY
George Bush announced a 5-point plan because the Israeli star has 5 points. “4 more than the one under my golf cap.” He said showing off his math skills. The 5-point plan was to piss just about everyone off by bombing them for no good reason. “Oil, diamonds, gold, heroin, and cheap labor will contribute to our decision but right now we are looking at bombing Mexico because it is close, big hats make good targets, plenty of brown skinned people, and all those beans should contribute to a gas explosion that I’ll be able to see from my porch in Crawford.” The president glanced at one of the robosuits behind him and said, “Mexico is south right?”
The man who had no neck had visible difficulty in nodding but stomped twice on the wood floor to indicate “ask Carl.” Bush went on to explain that any country that took naps in the afternoon deserved to be woken up kind of sudden like. The 5-point plan is as follows.
Launch untested bombs to test them.
Put fingers in ears.
Try not to drop the dog.
Pave the Rio Grande
Celebrate at Taco Bell.
The Israeli’s declared themselves anti-Semitic for ever doubting the presidents commitment to plundering and pillaging and just wished Mexico was their neighbor. In support of the president’s plan, Sharon bulldozed The Vatican who said, “Hey what did we do?”
GOAT FARMER SHELLED INTO STONE AGE
Abdul Ali a 70- year old goat herder who has lived in the Afghanistan desert his entire life, was bombed into the Stone Age Thursday. “My stone chair is pile of pebbles, my rock bed is dust…my ox drawn boulder is hamburger and dirt.” He said staring at what was once one of the nicest huts in Sandstorm Hills a closed community of wealthy goat herders whose assets were said to be in the 12 to 14-goat range. Vowing revenge on the infidels who did this Abdul sharpened a rock and started walking west. He will be here in twenty years but by then America will be named Pepsi which should confuse him.
FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT SORRY NO SPEAKA DA LANGUAGE
FRANCE OR BELGIUM OR LIBYA OR SOMEWHERE LIKE THAT- CNN Foreign correspondent Mike Smith who questions why he got this assignment found himself red faced as he interviewed a group of foreigners about something big but he wasn’t quite sure what that big thing was. He tried to refer to a little pocket language dictionary but by the time he found the right page the big news was old news and the group of foreigners had to catch a bus full of goats. So he just made something up. Impressed by his ability to make up a lie so quickly, CNN is negotiating with their parent company, the CIA, to make him an anchor or a 4-star General. Mike Smith who is not related to any other Mike Smith is writing a book called, “Making shit up fast.” Which is already on the New York Times Bestseller list and expected to stay there well after he writes the book.
Colin Powell said, “Don’t worry…We are going to have the CIA give him swimming lessons.”
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